Sam Jones Inaugural Birthday Memorial Beer Mile, Presented by Sam Jones

hi. hello!

It’s been a year since a system-wide brownout reset my age counter. Who knew a person's age wasn't backed up to disk or something. I’m turning one! Hooray!

a brief diversion.

A year ago I ran a mile and died. Nine times out of ten, the story ends there. But by the right conditions, people, and about 50 heaping spoonfuls of fortune, I'm back to full functionality and life as usual.

Still, there are a few operating conditions I’ve been given to take under advisement:

1. You can run, but not too fast.
2. You can drink, but not too much.
3. Both at the same time? Don’t press your luck (again), champ!* 
   *(this statement may have been imagined)

anyway.

That said, while THIS human may be limited in this silly way of no real consequence, Eliud Kipchoge is still mostly right: MOST HUMANS are not limited. YOU are not limited. It is my earnest hope to help other people push the boundaries of the human experience where I can not.

and now we are to the point.

Look, we’re doing a beer mile! I’ll hold the stopwatch. Spectators welcome. Participants will get a prize (if I get my act together.) 

A MILE OF THREE TYPES: CLASSIC, SOBER, AND RELAY OPTIONS FOR YOUR PERVERSION OF CHOICE

CLASSIC - A TIME HONORED TRADITION.

Standard beer mile rules, as on beermile.com, apply.

1. Drink a beer, then run a lap. Do this four times.
2. No shotgunning or opening your beer before you’re about to drink it.
3. ABV must be a minimum of 5% and volume must be at least 12 oz.
4. If you throw up before the end, run a penalty (fifth) lap.

SOBER - FOR THOSE WHO WANT TO... REMEMBER... THE EXPERIENCE. 

Same as the Traditional Rules, without the ABV restriction. 

Your beverage must be carbonated but need not contain any alcohol.

RELAY - IF YOU MUST.

These rules have been mutated to accommodate a friend.

1. Drink a beer, then run a lap. Do this twice hand off to your buddy.
2. ONLY teams of two.
3. Individual laps and beers must be consecutive.
4. Penalty rules apply to both participants. If you throw up before the end of your leg, you must run a penalty lap.
5. Further pestering on rules to make it easier may result in the category being deleted. :)

Should be a good time! Yes, I know the Canoe Run path is longer than a quarter mile. I'll mark it.